Tattooing - a form of selfcare?
Ella Smith Jr. works as an Amsterdam based tattoo artist, as their roommate I’ve witnessed the care and love they have for the bodies they get to work with. Creating an environment for their clients to let go, be vulnerable and get partly undressed. In this issue Ella switched sides for me, that day we focused on Ella and on Ellas body. We watch them care, love and tattoo themself.
Bits of a conversation on body, identity and the universe.
I wake up Ella with a glass of water and a big hug. The sun is shining bright into the living room and regardless of the cold outside, our living room feels like summer, heated up by the sun. I get my camera out and take a few shots to catch Ella in that mode.
A peaceful sleepy mind lingering between dream state and the rise of the day.
Carla -bold
Ella- light
The color is so nice with your skin
I like that I am black
Yea I love it! The best thing that’s ever happened to me
We laugh
Didn’t even have to choose. Laughing
It's beautiful just the way god made me
I miss the sun, this is so nice
But she is right here, you can’t miss her! Or him or them?
Mhhmmm what would the sun be? That’s a good question
I think for me it's masculine
Why, because it’s aggressive? Laughs
Because it like uhm hot, strong, to a certain degree it can be burning, it has something super honest, very clear, ever-present
But its also very life-giving, and to me, that is very feminine
Life-giving?
Yea, without the sun we wouldn’t be here
Yea that’s true, but I feel like birth happens at night
Like with the moon?
Do you think the moon is feminine?
Yes
I think the moon is a witch
We laugh
The moon has to be a witch!
There is something so sexy about the moon right?
mysterious, but also emotional, open, heart bearing
Still not as daring as the sun, I feel like the sun is like, it’s confronting you. With the moon, you never know. You don’t always see her, you have to look for her to see her.
she moves around a lot and controls the ocean, that’s pretty sick
Controls our internal hormone system!
We are also just like little planets
Something shifting when the moon is working it’s wonders.
how do u sleep now?
Horrible!
why is that, like what is horrible?
I don’t wanna sleep. I mean I do wanna sleep but I just wanna escape, so ill stay up in bed, even if I’ve like brushed my teeth I’ll lay there and scroll through comics or whenever I’ve been to like something social or even just hung out with friends I have to you know scroll through my phone for a little bit, but then a little bit turns into like 3 hours, and of a sudden its 3 am, and I have to wake up the next morning at 10, and I don’t know it keeps adding up that little bit of not enough sleep. It's weird because I used to sleep very well. I don’t know, it’s the depression I guess.
Do you wanna escape from your mind?
Yeah…
fighting internally
I keep bringing myself down for every small thing
not really nice being practically cussed out the whole day.
It’s this looping thought in your mind that keeps being like: ‘you are not good enough, you are not doing this right, you could’ve done that better’, it’s just fucking tiring.
Comics are the perfect escape!
How is it when you tattoo yourself?
(Then)I am forced to be in my body. Because I am also my client, and I am usually much more gentle than I would be to myself, but I have to.
So it's caring for your body in a way. Giving it ornaments and stories and pictures?
Yea and listening to it and figuring out how to work with my body you know. I’m like all yes in it and not taking care of it also messed up my last tattoo and it will give me some external motivation to take care of my skin you know
So it's almost like the tattoos are a visual representation of how well you take care of your body and yourself.
uh maybe, maybe I don’t know if it goes that deep, I also think they look really badass
Absolutely!
but maybe, maybe, it is, I think you are right though in a sense. I struggle to find time to tattoo myself even though I have like 10 ideas and all the equipment. I could just do it now, but I don’t know It's just the amount of focus time I’d have to take for myself, and there is sometimes a barrier to do it so I just like push it off and not do it.
What does this one say? In..?
‘Intentie’ dutch
Intention? Why?
I don’t know. I felt very existential at that point and decided that I had to live with intention, like choosing who I am, Choosing what I am bringing out into the world, and doing it with purpose. I am not sure but now I am just thinking maybe this was also around when was still struggling with gender a lot because this is one of my first ones. I probably did this one like 3 years ago, two and a half
So what did you choose?
To be non-binary! laughs No, I don’t know… To try and live the way I want to live. To choose what I am doing in life, what brings me joy, and what makes me feel fulfilled. That includes the relationships in my life, whom I decide to date.
Becoming more and more gay!
Do you feel like it's an active choice you are making?
Kinda, in a sense that it was tied to my self-acceptance. I felt like the more I accept who I am, the more I appreciate the way how other people choose who they are, and that’s just attractive and happens to also make me more and more gay.
Maybe I would rather call it queer because gay is too one-dimensional.
Queer is a mindset, it’s a way of living!
To me being Queer means that you are fighting the norm. You are battling binaries in like whichever way you think serves you. You will pick apart every aspect of your life to see if that reflects who you are and what you wanna be, or if it’s driven by systems, indoctrinations, and white supremacy, pretty much. Like, actively going out into the world with love and understanding for other people, accepting them for who they are to a certain extent, as long as they don’t hurt anyone, yea…
Remark Ella: To quote something valuable I’ve heard recently: ‘Queerness is a dedication to challenge norms set by society
In “Queer” is the acceptance that at this point in time, we have a certain understanding of what’s out there and that’s gonna extend as we evolve and Queer leaves that open space. There are no borders.
Do you believe in God?
I don’t believe in God, I believe in the universe!
I had moments where I used to believe in god, which was funny, but I think it was just trying to find acceptance with my black side of the family. Cause my Grandma used to be very religious and my dad also took some of that on and my grandma used to go to church and stuff. She’d go to the catholic church, which I thought was weird. She’d like to hang out with the white people. Laughs
But uhm I was religious for a little bit but I don’t know maybe I’d like to think of myself more as spiritual. Like, I believe in energies.
Or you could get locks?!
Laughs No! My hair is too white for that! It would look like white people with dreads!Like when it will grow out, I don’t like that!
You couldn’t look like a white person with dreads in no existing dimension. I’m sorry, I don’t see it!
We laugh
Man, the imposter syndrome is real…
Maybe you feel too white for that?
Yes
I see, well as a mixed person, you are almost born into conflict because you somewhat carry the blood of the oppressed and the blood of the oppressor within. Finding balance is real…
It’s also like, I chose violence because I don’t choose anything. I am both black and I am white, I am both straight and I am gay, I am both men and I am women like I can’t choose!
Yes and I think it’s a process of figuring out how to position yourself when you linger between these society-set instances. That’s okay
Not living according to my truth means violence to me. Whether that be internally or externally.
Written & Photographed by Carla Chibude, edited by Clare Adamson